A couple weeks ago, a dear friend of mine contacted me. She had heard about something happening in my life, and was inspired to write a blog post about it. I was hesitant. The thought of a glimpse into my heart being publicly posted from someone else’s point of view was a bit overwhelming. However, my sweet friend encouraged me that perhaps my story might be inspiring to others. What a humbling thought. So we met, talked, and she wrote and posted a beautiful story that I still cannot believe is mine. My prayer, along with Gabriella’s, was/is that it would inspire others to consider turning their God-given passions into God-dependent actions. Her words were motivating, even to me. It is with this that I continue to share my story…
My application has been submitted. My reference forms have been submitted. And now I wait.
Many people have expressed interest in hearing more about the opportunity that I am pursuing, which I am absolutely enthused to talk about. However, with each conversation the reality that I could be declined acceptance has been hitting me in the heart with full force. I’ve been absolutely terrified that God is going to say “not now.” In line with normal human behavior I have gotten my hopes up-and Satan has taken advantage.
I am anxious. <- (extreme understatement)
My anxiety is fueled by doubt. Doubt that this is a step of faith that I have the strength to take. Doubt that this passion is really from God. Doubt that I have the ability to spend 3-4 months in Southeast Asia. Doubt that I will be seen as ‘good enough’ for acceptance to the program. Doubt that God wants to use me. Doubt, doubt, doubt.
There are plenty of Bible verses that illuminate the peace we have in Jesus Christ.
Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:28-29
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7
These are true. These are God’s words which have the ultimate supremacy over all things. These are comforting. But for some reason they have not done much to ease my unsettled heart.
Over the weekend I had coffee and caught up with a friend of mine. He told me that over the past year he believes God blinded him to some things that could have prevented him from a lot of pain. That being said, he believes that God did this in order to break him down further, only so He could bring him up higher.
This reflection has been stuck in my brain. Perhaps God is going to say “not now.” Perhaps this will be devastating to me. Perhaps God is going to say, “it’s time.” Perhaps it’s going to be the hardest thing I will experience in my life thus far. Perhaps God has something entirely different in mind for my next semester of college. Perhaps I just need to remember that God is working in all things for my good. Perhaps I need to embrace God’s power…
On Sunday morning former teaching pastor at Blackhawk Church, Tim Mackie, gave a sermon on what faith is and what it is not. I was challenged by this:
“Move towards Jesus. Allow the power of the resurrection to be with you and to be present.”
Knowing the peace of Christ is comforting. But to truly bask in His peace we must acknowledge and embrace His power. Our God’s resume is long. He created everything from nothing, He revealed himself through prophets, He became fully human while remaining fully God, He lived the perfect life, He trampled over death, He loved and loves beyond understanding. If He has the power to do all of that (and more), then isn’t it clear that He has the power to do whatever He wants with my life?
Since hearing the wise reflection from my friend and thought provoking words from a knowledgeable pastor, I have started to allow my doubts to be dispelled by the reality of human uncertainty. I don’t get to know what is next. I don’t get to know how God is going to work in my life. But I know that He is working. I know He will be glorified. I know that His words triumph over Satan’s. And I am learning what it means to find peace in His power.
Today I am thankful that the One who knows what is truly best for me is writing my story;
And I’m excited that He has reminded me of the best part:
It is to be continued…